


The Light from the Shadows

by kaeorin



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Cheating, Everybody Lives, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-16 03:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10562457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeorin/pseuds/kaeorin
Summary: This story takes place post-BOTFA, in a world where everybody survived the battle. You’ve been with the Company from Day 1 and with Kili for nearly as long. One afternoon, you catch him in the trees with another, and you find comfort in an unexpected place.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in response to a request from a meme I reblogged on my writing blog, but was also inspired by a couple of imagines from @imaginexhobbit on Tumblr: Imagine being engaged to Kili and seeing him flirt with Tauriel and Imagine Fili or Kili calling you ‘princess’ and you take it that they’re teasing, but they actually imagine you as their future princess in Erebor. I did my best to keep from bashing either Kili or Tauriel, as I adore both of them, so if you’re hesitating because you’re worried, don’t be!

You would not cry.

No matter what else happened, what else you said or did, you would not cry. After what you'd just seen, you would die before you gave him the honor of your tears. No matter how that lump in your throat threatened to choke you. 

The image before you had been, well, for lack of a better term, idyllic. In the brief moments before your mind actually put two and two together, you'd taken a moment to admire the couple who stood together in a quiet clearing in the forest. Light had poured down on them from the canopy of leaves, dappling her reddish-golden hair. She was clearly one of the visiting elves: you could tell that much from the way she'd had to lean over to kiss her partner: likely a dwarf from the mountain. His clothing was familiar but you couldn't see his face from where you stood. When she pulled away, he'd slipped his arms around her waist and tried to pull her closer again. She had only laughed and reached down to muss his hair a bit. He said her name—“Please, Tauriel...” but it barely registered. All you could hear was his voice. You knew that voice. You loved that voice. You had spent long nights in sleepy bedtime conversation with that voice. You had heard that voice pronounce your own name countless times, always full of affection, but never quite as desperately as he pronounced hers.

That was Kili. The dwarf who, mere hours before, had told you he'd had to go to a council meeting. Who had bent over to kiss you where you sat curled up in a chair before a fire. Who had assured you that he'd be back before supper. Who had told you that he loved you, as sweetly and as sincerely as ever. 

You clasped your hands over your mouth and held your breath for too long, hating the way your chest began to burn. You couldn't be here. You shouldn't be here. If only you'd stayed beneath the mountain, none of this would have happened. Or rather, you wouldn't have had to witness any of it. You took several steps backwards, letting brush and branches close in around you to block you from their sight, and, when you felt you'd been hidden carefully enough, you finally turned and fled, as surefooted in the underbrush as any of the creatures who lived here. A twig cracked beneath your feet as you ran, but you thought nothing of it. Even if those two were not so caught up in one another, you were far enough away that they'd have trouble catching you.

When you broke free of the forest, you doubled over to try to catch your breath. As you did, you could feel your eyes welling up, but you fought the tears back with a grunt. Not for him. Not for this. There was plenty else you could be doing instead. There weren't many of your things in his room, which was some small blessing. You'd left your book in his chair, and you were only halfway through it, but you could find another copy somewhere. And your dressing-gown might have still been lying in a heap beside his bed, but you didn't need it. You had others. You weren't going back there. You didn't want to go back to those rooms, smell the way his scent lingered on his sheets and in the air. You didn't want to see him again.

As if on cue, just then, you heard him call your name from behind you. He sounded breathless—he must have chased you all the way out here. Not that it mattered. Your spine stiffened and you found yourself considering your options. The ground before you was open and flat. There was nowhere to hide, but it would make running easier. You had often beaten Kili at simple footraces, and you were particularly driven not to have to look at him today. He took a step closer to you, and you could have cursed your feet for the way they refused to move. He said your name again, and then: “Were you spying on me? Did you follow me here?”

Anger surged within you, burning fiercely. You spun around to face him, and now your feet carried you far closer than you would have liked. “Why would I have followed you? I thought you'd be locked away in a council meeting all afternoon.” He did at least have the decency to look ashamed at that. You crossed your arms. “You lied to me.” You felt stupid the instant you'd finished speaking. Of all the inane, obvious statements...

“I didn't want to hurt you.” Wide, imploring brown eyes searched yours, pleading with you for...for what? Forgiveness? Something twisted somewhere deep inside of you and you laughed. It was a brittle sound, as close to shattering as you felt.

“I guess you don't know me very well then, do you?” Your voice, thankfully, belied what you were feeling: it was quiet and calm, perhaps even a bit amused, all while turmoil racked your insides. When you glanced at the forest over his shoulder, you imagined that you just barely caught a hint of the elf's face before she melted away again into the shadows. “It'll take a lot more than the likes of you to hurt me, Kili. Don't worry. Enjoy your lady before her travels take her far from the Lonely Mountain again.” You didn't wait for a response, instead turning on the ball of your foot to stalk away from him again.

_Don't give him your tears._

_Do not give him your tears._

_Don't you_ dare _give him your tears, you_ stupid, _foolish baby._

It became a mantra, your sole focus as you moved. You were so distracted by your staunch refusal to free the tears blurring your vision that you completely failed to notice that you were stalking right towards someone else. You didn't notice, in fact, until you had plowed right into them, nearly knocking the both of you to the ground.

“Princess!” You could have groaned right out loud. Leave it to you to run straight into the one person you were least interested in facing. Fili gripped your shoulders to help keep you aright, laughing all the while. He'd only just recently seemed to warm up to you: on the trek to the mountain all that time ago, he'd barely ever looked at you. It was only once the Company had settled into the mountain that he really started speaking to you. And given you that _stupid_ nickname. “Are you well? Did you not see me?”

“I'm fine,” you said, and as horrible as you felt, you still wanted to wince at the sharpness in your tone. None of this was his fault. It wasn't fair to take it out on him. You swallowed hard and did your best to soften your voice. “I'm fine.” Maybe this, too, was a kind of mantra. Because even you knew it wasn't the truth.

Rather than stand there and let him keep on looking at you with eyes that were surely full of concern, you ducked your head and tried to move past him. You weren't fit for anyone's company at the moment. You needed to lock yourself in your own room and hide for a while before you ran into anyone else. But he was too quick: he grasped your arm before you could get very far away and gently pulled you back to him.

“Hey, what is it?” There, you could hear the concern in his voice. He ducked down a bit; you didn't turn your head in time. “Are you crying? What happened? What's wrong?” 

The words 'it's nothing, really' sprang into your mouth, but before you could say anything, something inside you stuttered to a stop. Fuck, this was stupid. You drew in a breath and did your best to look away from him. “It's... Kili. And Tauriel.” You gestured uselessly at the forest behind you. For a single brief second, you wondered if Fili already knew about the two of them—he was his brother, after all, and didn't brothers talk?—but the moment passed. Family was family, but Fili was too decent for that. If he'd known, he would have at least tried to convince Kili to break things off with you first. 

“Are they alright? Where are they?” His words took on an edge of panic. Mahal. He was so decent that instead of imagining what you'd just seen, he was worried about danger.

“They're fine,” you said with a humourless laugh. “They're more than fine. They're back there in the woods, enjoying each other's company. I really need to go—” Again you tried to move around him, and again he stopped you with a gentle grip on your arm. “Fili, please. I feel stupid enough as it is. Your brother is alive and well and loving the elven maiden of his dreams. Just let me go.”

“He loves _you_.” There was something in the sound of his voice, like the sharp edge of disbelief, or even anger. You were tempted to look at him, to try to figure out what he was feeling based on the expression on his face, but you didn't have the strength. 

“That's what I thought too.” All you could do now was whisper. You didn't bother trying to free your arm from his grip, didn't bother trying to flee. It didn't matter anymore. “The worst part is that, if he'd just told me first, I would have given him my blessing. What do I want with someone who doesn't want me? But he _lied_ to me and then accused me of spying on him when all I bloody wanted was some fresh air.”

“There must be some mistake.” Some small part of you loved him for how rattled he seemed by this news: you suspected his reaction was mostly because this was not something he would ever have thought his brother capable of, but you let yourself believe that it was also because he was angry for you. Still, you shrugged. Finally he dropped your arm.

“Maybe. You can go ask him, if you want. I've seen enough, myself. I won't be at supper, so don't come looking for me, okay? I'm fine.”

Fili murmured your name but, thankfully, did not reach to stop you when you walked away. 

***

Much later that night, after you'd spent hours in your room alternating between wanting to tear everything apart and simply break down into tears, you heard a knock at your door. You couldn't just go silent and pretend that you weren't there: you knew that, whoever it was, they could probably see the light under your door. Still, you weren't sure you wanted to answer the door. Worst-case scenario, it was Kili, wanting to apologize or explain himself or merely return the stuff you'd left behind. Best-case scenario, it was...who? One of the dwarves, checking in on you out of concern or wondering why you'd missed supper. Either way, the prospect was exhausting.

“Princess?” You couldn't stop the groan. Fili. With that same dumb nickname. At one time, it had been endearing, and might have even made your heart skip a beat here and there. Princess. You were, after all, involved with one of the princes under the mountain. But now it just seemed to throw everything back in your face. “I know you're in there. Let me in?”

Despite the fact that you wanted nothing more than to ignore him until he simply went away, you found yourself rising to open the door. Fili stood on the other side, smiling uncertainly and holding a tray heavily-laden with food. You crossed your arms. “I'm not hungry.”

He looked confused for a moment, and then glanced down at the tray before grinning a little wider at you. “Well, good. Because this is for me. You missed out on supper, but that doesn't mean we all have to starve. Can I come in?”

Rather than sending him away, and having to watch that smile fade off of his face, you bit your lower lip and stepped back a little. “Sure.”

He bustled into your room without any hesitation whatsoever, and you just...let him. He set about dragging a side table and chairs before the fire, all the while still carrying that tray. It made you nervous to watch him, but at the same time, you felt the very beginning of a smile. He moved with certainty—he was certain that he wasn't going to drop the tray, certain that he could complete his task without any problems, and likely even certain that you wouldn't give him any guff about what he was doing. “I did bring you something, though. In the pocket of my coat here. See for yourself.” 

You hesitated, expecting him to take out whatever it was that he was talking about to show you, but his boot had gotten caught up on your rug and he was busy trying to free himself. He was making quite a show out of it as well, but of _course_ he couldn't be doing that on purpose. So you held back the smile that threatened to bloom at his antics and moved close enough to dip your hand in his pocket. There was a full bottle of wine! You pulled it out and looked at him in disbelief.

“Thought maybe you could use it, so I swiped it from Bombur. Don't tell him?” Finally freed, he settled the tray on the little table before him and dug into his other pocket to pull out two small glasses. “And I might've been hoping you'd share.” His smile was so wide and sunny that it would have been a crime not to smile back at him.

“Alright, fine,” you said, sinking into the other chair he'd pulled over. “But if he finds out, I'm not taking the blame for this. I'll sell you out so fast, Fili, don't think I won't.” By the time you'd wrestled the cork out of the mouth of the bottle, Fili had already placed the glasses on the table. You poured a generous serving into each of them and then put the bottle down.

“Fair enough, I suppose.” He lifted his glass to you as though in a toast and took a drink. You did the same. Bombur liked his wine a little stronger than you preferred, but tonight that was fine. You savored the sweetness, the bite, the burn. You weren't in the habit of drinking to forget your problems, but tonight you could see the appeal. You sat back and nursed your wine as Fili ate. 

Neither of you spoke. If Fili were a different sort, you might have worried that he was here to plead for his brother, or defend him, or something similar. Eventually, he did speak, but he didn't mention Kili at all. Mostly he just talked about silly things he'd seen at dinner, or jokes that others had made. Before long, he had you laughing. Not long after that, he started spearing bits of food on his fork and offering them out to you. It would have felt more silly to refuse than to just shut up and accept it, so you ate. 

When the two of you had finally finished nearly everything that Fili had brought on that tray, he refilled both glasses with wine and sat back. “So how long are you going to hide out here?”

Your pride—strange and irrational as it was—bristled at what he said. It was especially silly given the fact that hiding was _exactly_ what you had planned to do. But you were already feeling warm and sleepy from the wine, and didn't quite have the mental strength that would have been necessary to defend yourself. Instead, you shrugged one shoulder and stared at the deep, rich surface of the wine in your glass. “I don't know. Not much longer. But you saw me earlier. I wasn't about to inflict that on other people. That wouldn't have been fair.”

“There's a lot that isn't fair,” he said quietly. Something in his voice made you look up quickly, but he was also studying the surface of his wine. “But you shouldn't be afraid of that. Everyone would have understood.”

You shook your head. Explaining to everyone else why you were in such a mood would have required telling everyone else what had happened, and that would be too much like trying to turn them against Kili. Or yourself. You weren't about to ask anyone to pick sides. The company had gotten through battle after battle after battle. It was their unity that gave them strength. This was not something worth bringing up. 

“I'll be fine in a few days. It's stupid. I'll just have to...find an outlet for all this mess so I don't take it out on the others. But I'll go to supper tomorrow.” You weren't exactly looking forward to it, but rationally, you knew it'd be fine. Kili was not oblivious, and he was not cruel. Though you didn't know much about Tauriel, it was probably safe to assume that she was neither of those things, either. They wouldn't do anything horrible at dinner. You were an adult. You could manage.

Fili sat straight up in his chair so quickly that you worried for his glass. His eyes were wide. “Train with me,” he said. “I'll teach you to throw knives like you wanted.”

As genuine as excited as he looked, you remained skeptical. “You're really busy...”

“Not so busy that I can't find time to train with you. And you'll get me out of some of my work. It's perfect. Please say you'll do it? Just once. If you don't like it, you don't have to keep coming back.” He didn't quite have the puppy-dog expression down as well as his brother did, but the hopefulness in his face was more than enough to convince you. You lowered your eyes and nodded.

“That'd be nice, Fili. Thank you.” You couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed. Granted, you knew from talking to him that he preferred training to doing actual work any time, but it still felt strange that you were making him do this for you. “Really. Thank you. You're too kind.” Your eyes began to sting a bit, but this time it had nothing to do with Kili or Tauriel—it was Fili. What would you do without him? You took a sip of wine, hoping that the sweet burn would force your tears away. When you looked up, you noticed that Fili was already studying you intently. He noticed you looking at him and smiled.

Looking at him made your own smile come easier.

***

The next day, you met Fili in a clearing in the woods. It wasn't the clearing, of course—Fili made sure of that—but the light that filtered through the leaves was just as beautiful. Fili had apparently packed up just about every knife, sword, and blade that he owned, and the two of you had carried them all through the trees while talking and laughing. It was nice. When you got to the clearing, he set about unpacking and organizing everything, mumbling here and there about types of blades and defensive moves and any number of things that you didn't quite understand.

You knew your way around a blade. You had an axe, Heartsbane, that had defended you countless times in all the many battles and skirmishes on the quest to reclaim the mountain. But Fili's skill was legend. It wasn't hard to see why. You watched him unpack and fuss over his weapons. He spoke to them as kindly, touched them as tenderly, as though he were greeting old friends. He knew what he was doing. It was a beautiful sight.

“There,” he said, finally handing you a small throwing axe and indicating a dead tree some distance away. “Put this in there, so I can see what we're working with here.”

You wanted to ask him what he thought he was doing, remind him that he'd already seen you perform in the heat of battle and in little training sessions alike, but when you looked at him, the words died on your tongue. His brows were heavy as he looked at you. He was very serious here. He was missing out on important work to do this for you. So you nodded quickly, drew in a deep breath to center yourself, and hurled the axe at the tree. It barely hit the trunk and sailed off harmlessly into the underbrush. You swore under your breath and headed off to find it. 

Thankfully, you didn't have to muck about for very long. When you returned to the clearing, Fili was still standing more or less where he'd been before. When he saw you, one corner of his mouth twitched, threatening a smile. You scowled at him.

“It's not funny,” you said, getting back into position. “So I can't throw axes. Big deal. I can obviously swing them well enough, or else I wouldn't be standing here.” You drew in a deeper breath than before, fixing your gaze on the tree trunk, and visualized the axe cutting cleanly through the wood. When it finally felt right, you threw the axe at the tree once more. This time, it hit, at least—the side of the axe connected solidly, and then it dropped flat at the base of the tree.

This time, Fili couldn't stop his short, barking laugh. He did, however, have the decency to school his features into something resembling blank boredom when you turned around to glare at him. You retrieved the axe one more time and held it out to him. “Alright then, Mister Bullseye, show me how it's done.”

“With pleasure, my lady,” he answered with a quick bow. Sure enough, he got into position, barely even glanced at the tree, and then sent the axe flying swiftly and surely deep into the center of the bark. After it hit, he bowed again, much more deeply. “In no time at all, you'll be hitting just like that,” he assured you. 

You tried not to roll your eyes as you went to pull the axe out of the tree. He was doing you a favor. He was being very kind to you with this training. The least you could do was not direct your temper tantrums directly at him. You had to pull very hard to free the axe, but this only served to impress you further. You brought it back to where you'd been standing and planted your feet firmly against the ground, ready to throw again.

“Wait.” Fili came up behind you and made a few adjustments to your stance, nudging your feet a bit further apart, angling your hips, pulling your shoulders back. You tried not to sigh.

“There's no time during battle to make sure you're standing exactly right,” you protested. He nodded.

“That's true,” he said agreeable as he studied the placement of your hands on the handle of the axe. “But we're not in battle at the moment. So unless you'd like to just keep throwing this thing fruitlessly around the forest, bear with me.” He closed his hands around yours for a moment and held your gaze with a soft smile that immediately made you feel ashamed for snapping at him.

“I'm sorry,” you said. “You're right.”

“Please, there's no need to apologize.” Gently, he guided your arm into a throwing motion. “Hold it steady until you get to about here.” He squeezed your hand again when you'd hit the point in the arc that he was talking about. “Then let go. But keep following through with your empty hand. It'll fly more true.”

He let go and stepped away, but you took a few more practice swings. This time when you let go, the axe did fly a little straighter. And though it didn't stick very firmly into the tree, it did hang there for a moment or two before dropping to the ground. That was good enough. You threw your arms into the air in celebration and turned excitedly to Fili. He, too, was smiling, and nodded at you before jogging to pick up the axe. 

“It looks like we'll have to build up some muscle in those little noodles of yours,” he teased, reaching with his free hand to squeeze your bicep. 

“I'll have you know these 'little noodles' of mine have sliced plenty enemies clean in half,” you threatened, holding your fists up as though you were about to fight. If nothing else, it felt good to be joking with him. “And they'll do the same to you, if you don't take care and remember who it is you're talking to.”

“Ooh, I'm so very frightened,” he teased back, dropping the axe to put up his own fists. “I've watched you wrestle with the others at night around the campfire; you don't scare me.” That made you drop your fists for a moment. It was true that, while you rode with the Company, there had always been someone willing to tussle with you or train or even race, but Fili never had. On the whole quest to the Mountain, in fact, he'd barely even seemed to glance at you. Perhaps your reaction told him he'd said the wrong thing, because when he circled closer, his eyes seemed a bit wider, a bit more frantic. “Come on, lass, put 'em up. What's the matter, afraid that you can't beat me?”

And confusion or no, that was simply not something that you could let stand. So you shook off his words and put your fists back up. When he got close enough, you took a swipe at him, but only made contact with air. He was quick, and sure on his feet. You redoubled your efforts, and the next time, you made contact with his shoulder, but it was barely even a glancing blow. Still, you laughed triumphantly, and he took the opportunity to swat at the side of your head. 

And then it was on.

You snarled, embarrassed at having left yourself so wide open, and dove towards him. He took off running, dancing cleanly through the branches and underbrush. You wanted to whoop with joy as you took off after him, relieved at finally having an excuse to go tearing through the forest again, but you held it in, remaining as silent as you could. The cool air filled your lungs as your legs carried you swiftly through the trees. It was nice to be running towards something instead of away from it. By the time you'd finally circled back to the clearing, Fili had shaken you off his trail, but you didn't mind. You stood there, taking in the beauty of the world around you and the strength within you, and just grinned. 

Something exploded through the trees beside you and knocked you to the ground. You howled with surprise and pummeled them with your fists, but it was only Fili. He laughed as he finally got hold of your wrists and held them tightly in both his hands to stop your onslaught. “A good warrior is constantly aware of the world around them, Princess,” he said, sounding for all the world like some kind of wise master. You knew it was all part of the game, but you couldn't laugh. You collapsed against the ground and stared up at the leaves overhead.

“You shouldn't call me that anymore,” you said. “I was never going to be a princess. Tauriel is your princess.”

“Right.” Looking stricken, Fili released your arms. “I'm sorry, I—”

“Don't apologize. Please.” You closed your eyes, but you couldn't erase the memory of his expression. “It's okay. It's just... The others might get the wrong idea if they hear you. Or Kili might get the wrong idea. I don't want you to fight.”

“Are you sure?” He adjusted your tunic for you, straightening it where it had become twisted in the attack. “Someone needs to knock the sense back into him, and it might as well be his big brother.”

You smiled wryly but shook your head. “Love doesn't leave any room for sense. I saw the way he looked at her the first time he met her. I should have known then, but I...I don't know, I ignored it, or thought I could change things.”

He looked down at you incredulously. “Are you not angry with him?”

You shrugged. You shouldn't have brought up the Princess thing in the first place. He would have stopped eventually. Or you could have simply gotten used to it, accepted it. Anything would have been better than this. “I don't know. I don't think so. I think maybe nothing about us really felt right? He was lovely to spend time with, and of course you know how sweet he can be, but...some part of me knew it wasn't forever?” You stole a glance up at him, which was a mistake. The way his cool grey eyes were regarding you—softly, thoughtfully—made you swallow hard and look away. Suddenly you were aware of where you were: pinned beneath the firm strength of his body, sprawled in the middle of the forest. You cleared your throat and shifted a bit. “M-maybe we should get back to work?”

“Of course.” He scrambled to his feet and offered you his hand, to help you up as well. You spent a little longer dusting off and straightening your clothes than was absolutely necessary, because the only other option was...to look at him again. Out of the corner of your eye, you caught him reaching out to you and flinched away, but he merely pulled a leaf out of your hair and held it up for you to see. “There was a...” He smiled and let it fall back to the earth.

You spent the rest of the afternoon hard at work. Though throwing the axe had been laughable, Fili soon took pity on you and switched to simple throwing knives. Before long, you were able to sink almost every single one of them into the drying wood of the tree. But when the sun started to sink below the horizon, darkening the woods around you, you both packed everything up and headed back inside.

Just as you crossed the treeline, though, Fili stopped and turned to you. “Here,” he said, holding out a tiny knife to you. “For practicing. I know we can't spend every afternoon out here like this, but I'll not have you using that as an excuse to go rusty on me.”

You accepted the knife with a smile. “Thank you. But you'd better be careful. Just a bit more practice and soon I'll be...out-throwing you with this thing. And then where will that leave you?”

He beamed. “In awe of your skills, of course. And I'll make sure everyone knows who taught you everything you know about the blades.” He nudged you lightly with his elbow as the two of your made your way back inside the mountain. You stopped off at his room first, to put his blades away. He seemed a bit nervous, working the lock on his door, but you thought nothing of it. You didn't really like letting people into your room, after all, and he was usually busy, so maybe it was messier than he would have liked?

But if he didn't want you there, he gave no sign of it: instead, he threw open the doors and barreled on inside, calling out to you over his shoulder: “You can just drop those on the bed; I'll take care of them later.” His own bundle he placed very carefully on a table near the window. 

His room was large—much larger than your own—but you could have expected that. What was a little more unexpected was the tidiness. He had weapons hanging on the walls, and even some scattered here and there on most of the flat surfaces, but that didn't seem like a mess: more like... decoration? You placed your bundle carefully on his bed as requested.

“It's nice in here,” you said after a while. Of course, immediately thereafter, you felt like an idiot, but...what was done was done. “It's very... You.”

He smiled sheepishly. “I don't spend much time in here, so I haven't really bothered to decorate or anything. It's not as cozy as your room.”

You shrugged and reached out to touch the handle of a sword that stuck out of the bundle. “I like it.” But then it hit you: where you were, and with whom, and the fact that you had exactly zero business here. You pulled your hand away and stuffed it in your pocket. “I'm sorry. I should go.” 

You even got most of the way to the doors before he spoke again: “You'll come to dinner?” It may have been your imagination playing tricks on you, but he sounded a little more hopeful than you had any right to expect. “Because last night, you said—” 

“I'll come,” you answered. The trees and the air had done wonders for your mood. Anyway, you had to face the potential discomfort sometime, so why shouldn't it be now? “I'll be there.” And then you fled, hurrying out of his room and back to the safety of your own.

***

Supper was, as always, in the great dining hall. It was always so full of people—residents and dignitaries and visiting well-wishers—that there was really no reason for you to be so nervous. Hell, there wasn't even a guarantee that you would run into any of the Company. You could just go in, eat well, and then retreat back to your bedroom for the rest of the night. Grasping that thought like a lifeline, you drew in a deep breath and headed inside.

It was every bit as loud and chaotic as always, full of laughter and loud voices. Sometimes you liked to stand off to one side and remember what this place looked like when you'd first gotten here: cold and dead and full of gold and the stink of dragon, and relish the contrast. Tonight you simply hurried to the nearest empty seat and began filling a plate with food. This wasn't so hard. This was fine.

Before long, however, someone slipped into the seat beside you. Without thinking, you looked up, and had to grit your teeth. It was Tauriel, looking as beautiful as ever with her creamy skin and fiery hair. Her eyes were guarded as she looked at you. It was almost enough to make you ask her what she wanted. Instead, you held your tongue and took a drink. She had sat down first, let _her_ speak first.

“I just wanted to tell you,” she said, in a low voice, speaking almost too quickly to be heard. “I am sorry. I had no idea. I never would have— If I'd known— If he'd said something...” It gratified you, in some small, petty way, to hear someone so dignified and elegant having so much trouble speaking. You allowed yourself a brief moment to savor that fact, before speaking up yourself.

“It's alright,” you said, thankfully sounding much more nonplussed than you actually felt. “I don't blame either of you. Especially not you.” You offered her a tiny smile, all that you could summon. She returned it right away, looking grateful. “He _really_ likes you. I've known it for a long time.” Now might have been the time for her to return the favor: offer you something about how he had liked you, once, but she remained silent. That stung a bit, but you did your best to shake it off. There was no point in dwelling on it, after all. 

As if on cue, the crowd nearest to your table began to part, giving you the perfect line of sight to the table where Fili and Kili were sitting. Fili's back was to you, but Kili must have been tracking Tauriel on her path through the hall, because he was staring straight you. When you met his eyes, he looked away quickly, and you ducked your head. The sad little jolt that ran through your body was unexpected.

“He hates that he hurt you,” Tauriel ventured. Maybe that was the best she could offer. It was something, at least. You shook your head.

“It was the lie,” you said slowly. “If he'd just had the courage to say something—” Your appetite had all but disappeared, and you hated that it had been these two who had done it. “I mean, anything but lying to me. But I'll get over it, you can tell him that. And...I promise, I don't harbor any ill will towards either of you.” You wondered, for a moment or two, if that was even something that either of them had worried about. Not now, maybe, not while they were in the early sweet stages, but...eventually, maybe. You stood up. You'd made an appearance, just as you'd promised Fili that you would. Surely now you could go back to your room for the rest of the night.

Tauriel stood up with you, and looked like she wanted to say something else, but you just smiled at her and walked away. There was only so much any reasonable person could possibly ask you to do, after all, and although it was true that you didn't blame her for anything, your desire to flee was currently outstripping your desire to listen. And so you returned to your room.

It became a routine, of sorts: most afternoons, Fili found a way to sneak away to train with you. When he couldn't, you either practiced by yourself or found something else to do. Your aim grew sharper, your arm stronger, and your overall confidence with blades-that-were-not-axes simply...grew. You spent time with others in the Company, and were pleased to discover that they didn't need to know the whole story, just as you didn't need them to take anyone's side. You ate supper in the great hall with everyone else, and you even summoned the strength to sit with Fili and Kili and Tauriel once or twice. (When Fili realized how uncomfortable it made you, he took to sitting apart from them more often, which worried you a bit, as much as you appreciated his company.) On occasion, Fili would show up at your door long after dinner, either to drag you to some new place he'd just discovered or show you something outside or simply to share some more pilfered wine with you.

Which was why it didn't particularly surprise you, several weeks later, just after the elves had departed, when you heard a knock at your door and Fili's jubilant voice calling your name from the other side. You simply pulled on your dressing gown and went to answer the door.

The first thing you noticed was the sweet, almost-cloying scent of alcohol that wafted from the prince on the other side of the door. You took a step back to escape the smell, but he mistook your movement as invitation and spilled through the door. He stumbled a bit, and grasped your doorway to steady himself, which is when you noticed his hands. His knuckles were bruised and bloody.

“Fili, what happened?” You reached for him without thinking about it, and he responded by leaning in to you. “What happened? What did you do?”

He laughed and patted your hand. Oh, he was absolutely _blitzed_. “I didn't do anythin' I shouldn't've,” he slurred. Mahal, he was barely standing. Slowly, carefully, you led him over to your bed. If he didn't sit down somewhere soft, he was going to end up toppling to the floor. “'N I _certainly_ didn't do anythin' you shouldn't've when you first caught 'im.”

“Alright, just...just take a seat, okay, Fili?” He was standing beside your bed now, but refused to bend his knees to sit down.

“No! My little brother, he just had the nerve just now to cry to me about missin' that elf!” His brows furrowed as he tried to focus his eyes on your face. This was like a nightmare. He reached out clumsily to try to pat your cheek with his hand, but he didn't even come close. “He didn't breathe a word to me about ever missin' _you_ , but he wanted me to be sy...mpathetic over her?” 

You were, at this point, able to get through most days without dwelling on that whole mess, but tonight his words stung. No, you wouldn't have expected Kili to feel much of anything for you now, but such a blatant reminder...sucked. “Look, Fili, I need to get you some bandages for your hand, but I can't leave you if you're not sitting down.”

“You're not listenin'.” He was getting frustrated. 

“No, I'm listening. You had to listen to your brother wax poetic over his lady. Believe me, the world thanks you for your sacrifice. If it hadn't been you, it would have had to have been somebody. Now just...” Why was it so difficult to get him to just bloody sit down?

“No!” His volume made you flinch, but it must have surprised him too, because he stared at you with wide eyes. “I _didn't_ listen. That's what I'm tryin' to tell you. That's what happened to my hand.” He held it up as though to illustrate what he was talking about. Dread coiled in the pit of your stomach. “I punched him! Right in his face!”

You tried not to groan. He did, at least, finally decide to let you guide him down onto your mattress. After taking a moment to make sure he was settled in and not going anywhere, you stepped away to gather the supplies to take care of his hand. “So where did the alcohol come in, then?”

“At dinner. And after dinner. And after I punched 'im. I hit my little brother and we weren't even fightin'.” When you looked over at him (mostly to make sure he wasn't about to tilt forward off of the bed), he was already watching you. He looked like he was trying to look upset, but couldn't quite get there because he was too distracted by watching what you were doing. Mahal, this idiot... Your stomach fluttered a bit as you brought everything to the bedside and took his bloodied hand in yours. “I punched 'im for you.”

“Well, I certainly didn't ask you to. I'm sorry, this'll sting.” You dipped his hand into a bowl of warm water and rubbed at it carefully with a clean rag. He hissed a little, but, thankfully, didn't try to pull away from you.

“See, there you go again, bein' all sweet and strong like that. You don't have to be. You were together a long time. A _lonnnnng_ time. The fourth night you were with the Company, he told me he liked you. I coulda been workin' up the courage of my own, but as soon as he said that, it was over. All that time, and he doesn't even miss you? That's...” He trailed off. You tried not to listen to him.

When you were finished cleaning his knuckles, you placed the bowl on the ground and looked up at him. Despite the anger that had colored his voice when he was talking only moments ago, his face was...so soft. When he saw that you were looking at him, he smiled and reached, once again, to touch your cheek. This time, he managed, and you leaned into his touch before you could stop yourself. “You're smart... And brave... And lovely... And damn good with a blade. And there's a dwarf out there who's your One, and when you find them... You're gonna make them so happy.” There were tears in his eyes now, which made you panic. Hastily, you wrapped the bandage around his knuckles and stood up to help lift his feet onto the mattress.

“Okay, love, you have got to sleep this off,” you said quickly. You quickly abandoned the thought of trying to cover him with a blanket: he was sleeping on top of all of your covers, and from the looks of things, he wasn't moving. Instead, you tugged his boots off and placed them carefully at the foot of the bed. “In the morning, you're going to have a hell of a headache but hopefully you won't remember any of this. Except...you're going to have to apologize to Kili. So...please try to remember some of this? Maybe just the part where you punched your brother? Fili?” You leaned over him on the bed to check if he was still awake. At first glance, his eyes were closed, but as you looked at him, they shot open. He caught you with one arm around your waist and tugged you over his body so that you were lying with him on the other side of the bed.

“I'll remember it all,” he said drowsily, pulling you closer to him and hiding his face where your neck met your shoulder. His breath felt warm on your skin, and it made you shiver. Part of you wanted to wrestle your way out of his grip, so you could clean up a bit and maybe find some other place to sleep for the night, but mostly you didn't want to wake him. And, if you were very honest, you sort of liked being here like this. He was already breathing deep and even. His arm rested against your belly, the weight of it solid and comforting. This was strange. And wrong. But...nice? 

You sighed to yourself and turned onto your side, facing away from him. At first, he growled something nonsensical, but when he realized that you weren't leaving, only getting more comfortable, he sighed and pulled you flush against his body. “I'd make you my princess,” he mumbled against your neck. “If you wanted me.” When you realized what he'd said, you stiffened. What. You forced your eyes to close, forced your brain to shut off.

It didn't mean anything.

He was drunk.

_He didn't know what he was saying._

***

When you woke up the next morning, you were alone. You couldn't say that you were surprised. If anything, the hangover would have driven Fili out of bed very early, and it wasn't as though you could blame him for going back to his own room instead of purposely lying down with you again. You sat up and stretched. Last night should have been the most awkward and uncomfortable night's sleep you'd ever gotten, but...you felt wonderful. You tried not to analyze that too closely. 

When afternoon rolled around, you didn't really expect to see Fili in the woods, but you headed out by yourself anyway. It was nice there: the breeze, the birds, the sky. The mountain was lovely, and it was an honor to have helped reclaim it, but...you needed to see the sky from time to time. You brought your axe and the little throwing knife that Fili had given you, and went to the clearing where you always practiced. The others still teased you a bit here and there, for training so hard after you all had already survived the hardest battle of your lives, but you didn't mind it. Anyway, it was good to be prepared for whatever might come your way.

Out here by yourself, it was always so easy to relax. You practiced throwing your knife for a while, and were pleased to note that you hit the tree almost every time, and that you were able to embed the knife a little deeper into the wood than you had before. Your axe laid all but forgotten on the ground beneath another tree: it was really only good for play-sparring with Fili during training. You weren't about to try to start throwing that.

You had just jogged back to the tree to retrieve your knife when you heard a stick snap somewhere in the distance. Quickly, you looked back towards your axe, but, judging from the sound of footsteps coming towards you, it was already too far away. You yanked your knife free and held it tightly as you turned to face the source of the sound. There _probably_ wasn't any immediate danger. The footsteps sounded small, like another dwarf. But you prepared for a fight anyway. Better safe than sorry.

Kili stepped into the clearing, and you felt your whole body relax. Mostly.

“Hiya,” he said, with an awkward smile. When he stepped closer, into the light, you winced. He had a black eye, surely the result of Fili's anger from the night before. You never wanted this.

“Oh, Kili, I'm sorry,” you started, lifting your hand to indicate your own eye. But he shook his head, held his hands up as though to stop you.

“It's alright. I deserved it.” He put his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Have you spoken with Fili at all?”

“Not today; I haven't seen him. I did last night, though.” You looked away for a moment, to inspect the knife in your hand. Talking with Kili had never been this strange before. When you realized what you'd said, you looked up at him again, quickly. “I meant... He came to my room after he fought with you. He was... _very_ drunk. I bandaged his hand and then he fell asleep.” You couldn't quite say why it was so important to you that he know exactly what had happened last night. Who you spent your time with was no longer any of his concern. You just didn't want the two of them to fight anymore. What had happened between them last night must never happen again.

Anyway, he hardly seemed to be listening to you. He nodded distractedly and studied a point on the ground that was halfway between you. Finally, he spoke: “He yelled at me a lot. Brought up some good points. Especially now that Tauriel's gone, it's like I can think clearly again. I shouldn't have done what I did. I was just...frightened, I think? I didn't want to hurt you, and I thought that if I kept it from you, everything would be fine.” He cringed a bit. “I know that only made it worse.”

The rational thing to do would be to accept his apology: you didn't still hold this against him, after all, and you really did secretly wish them the best. But something—pride?—made it hard to open your mouth. You nodded, even knowing that he wasn't looking at you. You really weren't sure what to say to all of this, but at the same time, you knew you had to say something. “Yeah... That probably wasn't the wisest thing to do. But...we're both still learning. I think that, as long as you remember what happened this time, and don't try to do the same thing ever again, then...that's progress?” 

He looked up at you then, dark eyes searching yours across the distance that separated you. “Do you hate me?” He looked like he was bracing himself for your answer. “You can, you know. I won't blame you.” 

Something in you deflated a little. “No, Kili. I can't hate you.” It was true. “I don't like what happened, but come on. It's not like either of us ever thought the other was their One, right?” He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. You saw his answer in the way his eyebrows furrowed. “Anyway, we fought together. We helped reclaim the mountain. That's more important than all of this, isn't it?”

Before he could answer, you heard still more footsteps from behind him, and then Fili arrived, carrying both of his bundles of weapons. Without thinking, you slipped your knife into your pocket and hurried over to lighten his load. He seemed to be asking you a question with his eyes, and you shook your head in response. Both of you knelt to start unpacking his things. “Wasn't sure I'd find you out here today,” Fili said in a low voice as he ran a finger along the blade of one of his swords. You smiled to yourself and nudged him gently with your elbow.

“Thought the same thing about you. How's your head?” If you'd been as drunk as he'd been last night, you weren't sure you would have had the strength to get out of bed today, let alone the will to go traipsing through the woods.

“It's been better.” When you looked over at him, he grimaced comically at you. “But it's also been a hell of a lot worse. I'll survive. What about you? Is everything okay?”

“It's fine,” you answered truthfully, and glanced over your shoulder at Kili. He was still standing there, but now he was watching the two of you with a strange expression on his face. When he saw you looking, he straightened a bit and tried to smile. “I really wish you hadn't punched him.”

“Ah, he'll survive.” He handed you one of his throwing axes and rose to his feet. “Brother! Would you care to train with us today? She's getting good at throwing these buggers.”

“I'll take your word for it,” Kili answered. Truth be told, you felt a little relieved. Maybe someday you'd be able to chat with him again and not feel so uncomfortable, but you'd had just about enough conversation with him for today. “I should be heading inside, anyway. I haven't gotten permission from Uncle to skip out on the council's meetings.” Fili grinned at you, at that, and you couldn't help but grin back. It was nice to know that Fili got something out of meeting you out here, at least. “Just, ah... Make sure she doesn't get hurt, yeah?”

Fili spoke up for you before you could do it: “You've seen her with a blade, Kili. I think you know that our girl can defend herself.” He slung an arm around your shoulder and pulled you in close. That same strange expression flickered across Kili's face again, but quickly faded. He just nodded and lifted one hand in a wave before disappearing back through the trees. You both looked after him for a moment, and the Fili turned to you. “Sure you're okay?”

“I'm fine,” you said honestly, and then jutted your chin out in the direction that Kili had gone. “And I think _we're_ fine. And now I just need you to stop hitting people for me, and _we'll_ be fine too.”

Fili brandished an axe and fixed you with another of his brilliant smiles. “Well, I don't know that I can make any promises there, but I _can_ keep helping you get better with these blades. Maybe even fight with you a bit so you can start hitting people on your own? I think that's about the best I can offer.”

You spent the rest of the afternoon the same way that you'd spent most afternoons: a bit of training, a bit of chasing each other around the forest when you got bored of training. But something didn't feel quite right. Fili seemed like he was holding something back, like there was something he wasn't saying. One time you made the mistake of trying to wrestle it out of him, but when you had him pinned beneath you on the ground, that really only made it worse. By the time the sun began to fade and you returned to the clearing to pack everything up again, your stomach felt heavy. 

When you were most of the way back to the mountain, he still hadn't spoken, so you gathered up your courage and did it yourself. “Hey. So...I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you've done for me these past few weeks. Spending time with you—er, your blades—has really done a lot. I feel more normal now.” You looked over at him and, in response, he forced a smile. “But if you can't keep coming out here, I understand. If Thorin or anybody's giving you a hard time about missing so much work? I just wanted to say thank you for the time you _were_ able to give me.”

He stopped in his tracks, then, and turned to look at you. “What are you talking about? Has anybody been giving _you_ a hard time? Did Kili—?”

“No!” Heat suffused your cheeks. Had you misread things this badly? “Nobody! I'm sorry. Just...you're acting really strange. I thought... I don't know. Is it just your head?” Mahal, what did it matter? You tightened your grip around the bundle of weapons and tried to keep moving forward, but Fili stepped in front of you to stop you. “Forget it, I'm sorry. Let's just go inside.”

But he didn't move. He just looked at you for a long time, for so long that you eventually had to look away. You tried to push away your embarrassment. It wasn't unreasonable to think that he was trying to figure out how to let you down gently, after all. He was extremely busy. Why should he spend all this time playing in the trees with you? For most of the time that he'd known you, he hadn't even really _liked_ you all that much. But he was a kind person. It was perfectly normal for you to think these things. “You're not wrong.” You bit your lip and nodded, but that only served to make him speak faster. “About my acting strange today. I didn't mean to be, but I guess I couldn't help it. I'm not feeling well, you know.”

“Right.” You nodded again and tried to step around him, but he wouldn't let you. “I know. I'm sorry. Forget I said any—”

“Would you just let me speak?” He sounded so irritated, so angry, that you looked up at him in surprise. But he didn't look angry. If anything, he looked remorseful. He tried to smile. “I'm sorry, love, I didn't mean to snap at you. Look...how much do you remember from last night?” He asked as though _you_ had been the one drunk off your arse. You dropped your gaze, which must have been answer enough. “ _I'm_ the one who should be sorry, dropping that in your lap. But...I haven't been spending all this time with you out of the goodness of my heart. I'm not _good_ like you are. The truth is that I've wanted you since about the second night of the journey. I'd say it was the first time I laid eyes on you, but we didn't actually talk until the second day, and that was when I really knew I was done for.”

You nearly dropped the bundle you were holding. The only thing that kept you from doing it was the fact that it was Fili's, not your own, and you knew how he felt about his weapons. Still, you had to juggle it a bit as you fought to figure out exactly what to say to him. He dropped his bundle on the ground and took yours from you to drop it as well. “I don't—” You had to be misunderstanding him here. Finally you looked up at him with narrowed eyes and crossed your arms. “You didn't even speak to me until we got here.”

His hand twitched a bit, like he'd wanted to reach out to touch you but had then reconsidered. “Because just before I'd worked up enough courage, Kili came to me and asked me to help him talk to you. I wanted to be a good brother and be happy for him, but in order to do that, I couldn't risk any more infatuation with you.” He laughed once and ran his fingers through his hair. “But if I'd known he was just going to run about with an elf and hurt you like he did, maybe I would've said something sooner.”

You looked away again. His eyes were so open and earnest that it almost hurt you to look at him. “Maybe you should have.” Things like this didn't happen to you. You were halfway convinced that maybe you'd slipped in the woods or hit your head too hard while wrestling with Fili, and that maybe all of this was a dream. If he meant what he was saying, then the things that you'd been feeling... the comfort you'd felt last night...it wasn't so bad.

“I know I should have.” This time, he did reach out—slowly, like he was giving you time to cringe away from him, if you wanted. But you didn't move, and he simply curled a bit of your hair around his finger. Out of the corner of your eye, you watched as he rubbed the strands thoughtfully with his thumb. “I just wish I hadn't said them to you half-drunk in the middle of the night. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry.”

You nodded before your mind had really finished processing his words, but once it had, you laughed. “Believe me, sir, you were a lot more than half-drunk last night. More like you were drunk twice-over. Or thrice. Or...what's four?” You kept laughing, even when he slid his free hand over your mouth as though to shut you up. He laughed too. But then he pressed his forehead against yours and held your gaze. His eyes were serious. You reached up to touch one of the braids of his mustache, tugging it gently before smoothing your hand back across his cheekbone. 

He moved his hand from your mouth and instead used it to cup your cheek. He touched you gently, carefully, like you were something precious, something delicate. When you bit your lip, you caught the way his eyes flickered down to follow the movement, and even that one simple movement made your heart skip a beat.

“My offer still stands, love,” he said in a low voice. “I'm more than willing to set about making you a princess. If you'd have me.” 

No one had ever looked at you before the way Fili was looking at you now. Soft. Hopeful. It made it hard to try to find words. It was more than you could stand. So you answered him in the only way that you could: you laughed once, giddily, and stretched up to press your lips against his.


End file.
